My parents divorced when I (26F) was 2, and my brother (30M) was 6. Mom remarried when we were 4 and 8, and we split our time equally between our parents. There was no primary parent—we spent as much time with our dad as we did with our mom. Our dad wasn’t a deadbeat or neglectful; he was a great father.
However, my mom and stepdad expected us to see him as our “new dad.” They pressured us to call him something fatherly, which we resisted. My brother was once grounded for making disrespectful comments toward our stepdad, and their relationship deteriorated from there. My brother became openly antagonistic, constantly reminding our stepdad that he wasn’t our real dad and had no kids of his own.
I didn’t fight with my stepdad or mom, but I never considered him my second dad. It always upset me how they diminished my dad, acting like he wasn’t providing a real home because he was single. Ironically, if we’re being technical, my stepdad wasn’t “real family” either. My mom wanted a tight-knit family with her husband as our “real dad” and our dad as the outsider. Instead, it turned out the opposite: we trusted and leaned on our dad more than her or our stepdad.
When my brother was 13, he moved in with our dad full-time and cut all ties with our mom and stepdad. I followed suit at 15. My mom and stepdad tried hard to change my mind, but I stood firm. Over the years, my relationship with them has grown more distant, and that’s been by choice.
When my brother got married, he asked our dad to be his best man, and my mom and stepdad were devastated when they found out through relatives. They weren’t invited to the wedding, which effectively ended their relationship with my brother.
I’m low-contact with them, though not completely no-contact like my brother. I had initially planned to invite them to my wedding, partially out of guilt for how much my mom has lost. But now I’m reconsidering.
My stepdad has been pushing to take on father-of-the-bride duties. He wanted to walk me down the aisle or have the father-daughter dance. I told him both would be with my dad. He then offered to pay for the wedding if I let him do one of those things. I said no. He bargained, offering to pay if I allowed him to do just one. Again, I said no.
When my mom found out, she texted me, saying I wasn’t showing him respect and that I could’ve had a much worse stepdad. She said I never appreciated what a great man he was or the effort he put into being our dad. This escalated into a fight because I told her they approached it all wrong.
Now, I’m left second-guessing myself. Should I go no-contact like my brother? Did I handle this situation poorly?
For the purpose of this post, though: AITA for refusing to give my stepdad father-of-the-bride duties at my wedding?
