I (33F) have been in a 10-year relationship with my boyfriend, “Carl” (33M). Early on, I made it clear that I intended to get married someday. By the time I was 28, I started reminding him of my goals. Carl assured me he wanted to marry me but wasn’t ready yet, claiming I was pressuring him and calling me controlling. Eventually, we broke up, but six months later, we got back together and even moved in together.
Looking back, I realize going back to him wasn’t the best decision, but I was emotionally invested and didn’t want to give up. We’ve now lived together for four years. While the first six months were great, I’ve since stopped being happy in the relationship. Still, living with Carl hasn’t been a bad experience, and I held onto hope that marriage was just around the corner. Carl often said he wanted to propose when the timing was perfect and he could be the “stable husband” I deserved.
For the past two years, I’ve been in therapy and recently had a major epiphany. I realized that while I’ve always dreamed of a wedding, I never thought much about the day-to-day reality of being married. Given some political and societal shifts in my country, I’ve started to feel that I’m not just okay with not getting married—I no longer desire it at all.
This realization felt freeing. Since then, I’ve started focusing on myself. One of the changes I made was stepping back from helping Carl’s family. For years, I babysat his nephews and niece regularly, but I’ve decided to use that time to work on certifications to improve my earning potential and to simply relax. I let Carl’s mom and brother know they had three weeks to make other arrangements, and I wouldn’t be babysitting anymore.
At first, Carl seemed indifferent, but when he realized I was serious, he insisted we “sit down and talk.” He said he understood my desire for personal time but emphasized the importance of sacrificing for family. I told him he could adjust his work schedule and take over babysitting since they’re his family. He then said the kids love me and that one day they’d be my family too, “once we’re married.”
That’s when I told him I no longer wanted marriage. I explained my reasons, but Carl immediately took it as a sign I wanted to break up or that I thought he’d be a terrible husband. That’s not true at all, but now he’s lashing out and becoming suspicious of my motives.
I don’t know how to help him understand that this decision is about me and not him.
TL;DR: After years of wanting marriage, I’ve realized it’s no longer something I want. My boyfriend of 10 years is taking it personally and assuming it’s a reflection of him, even though it’s not. How do I make him see that?
